she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just found puke in my bra..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
