my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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