White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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