This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
