I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
