I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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