Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
