My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
