I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
