He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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