apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dicks are not precious.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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