i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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