When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
