I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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