if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
