Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
