What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
