he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
