If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
