I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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