I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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