I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
