I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
be right there i have to get my cape
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
