woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
