No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
