why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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