Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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