Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
