sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize