The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
