Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
honey bunches of taint.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
