seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
