Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
