Don't you send me to vm
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
