normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
