my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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