If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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