Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
