I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
