Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
