I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
