Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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