He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
