so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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