I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
