Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize