sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
