Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
