I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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