mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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