I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
