I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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