The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
