just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
