Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
