mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
