I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I haven't been this sober since birth.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
