I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
