im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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