20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
